ephemera

iomoth:

Galvanized by a conversation I recently had with jwisser, I have decided to write the next big YA hit, which will follow Twilight just as Twilight followed Harry Potter. To begin, I am outlining the elements necessary to ensuring my series’ success.

1. Romance requirements:
a. True Love
b. Nothing resolved until final book
c. Heterosexuality
d. For a male main character: no obvious interest from girls.
e. For a female main character: all the losers want her.
f. For a female main character: star-crossed love.
g. Male rivals have a high level of sexual tension. Slashfiction fodder is a must.

2. Character requirements:
a. More boys than girls, although we don’t like all of them.
b. Main protagonist has a single parent or guardian present.
c. If main protagonist is male, he is a loser who grows into his potential.
d. If main protag is female, her male love interest(s) must be super awesome studs.
e. The main protagonist is misunderstood.

3. Plot requirements:
a. Romance.
b. Good vs. evil. Villains are a must.
c. Main protagonist does incredibly stupid shit. I’m not sure why people like this, but Harry and Bella both do some incredibly stupid shit.
d. Prophecy (optional)

4. Things that I have to be sneaky about
a. All curse words will be replaced by “carp” and “frog”.
b. My gay character will not come out until the series is successful enough to survive the controversy.

Feel free to employ this list for your own nefarious purposes. If you can think of anything else, I would love to hear it.

?

Almost right. If we’re going to follow the hero myth (think Harry Potter, Luke Skywalker, Edward Cullen), the hero should be an orphan at least once over. If you want to be a real jerk about it, kill his secondary and tertiary guardians as well. Remember Aunt Beru, Uncle Owen, Ben Kenobi, and Yoda? George Lucas was a serious asshole.

But I digress.

The hero in the hero myth can be any gender, but it’s worth noting that Stephenie Meyer has just made craptons of money by making her main protagonist a useless lump of woman (Bella) who is subsidiary to her hero (Edward). The main protagonist and the hero are not necessarily the same person—go read The Great Gatsby again if you don’t believe me, or think Meyer was the first one to try it.

Regardless, a male hero should probably be wanted by just about every female character there is (except Mrs. Weasley), but be absolutely useless with (or just want nothing to do with) girls. Otherwise, how would we know that it was True Love™ when he finally kissed the girl with the large breasts?

Finally, while a prophecy is technically optional, the hero absolutely must defeat some sort of evil empire (Voldemort and the Death Eaters, the Sith/Galactic Empire, the Volturi), preferably with the help of an often ancient, nearly extinct order of sages (Order of the Phoenix, the Jedi Order, vampires who don’t like the Volturi—hey, it’s not my fault Meyer kind of sucks at the hero myth). Extra points if he does it using some sort of magical device that once belonged to his father/distant mythical ancestor/mortal enemy—and five hundred thousand extra superpoints if, like Luke’s father/Anakin Skywalker, He Who Will Bring Balance to the Force/Darth Vader, those are all the same person.

Okay, that’s it for now; I think I’m going to have to write a semi-academic post of my own on this subject.